Ingredients - my published haiku, tanka, haibun and the occasional piece of writing that fits none of those categories.
in a magnolia bushthe unlikely coloursof a goldfinch
I really like this, and wonder whether you could consider removing 'in a' even though it makes it a much briefer haiku.It also brought back a memory from a Walled Garden, thank you!
Hmn, I see what you mean, but that sort of makes it sound like the magnolia bush is goldfinch coloured. I hope it was a happy memory!
unlikely colours! love it.
Quite possibly Alison! (-;But wouldn't a dash or dotdotdot thingie after bush help, or is three birds in a bush worth only a single stone's throw? (-;Also, even with the ambiguity it sounds so darned good, and I am sure a contemporary Japanese poet or two would go for it.Either which way love the haiku, the magnolia, and those unlikely colours!
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4 comments:
I really like this, and wonder whether you could consider removing 'in a' even though it makes it a much briefer haiku.
It also brought back a memory from a Walled Garden, thank you!
Hmn, I see what you mean, but that sort of makes it sound like the magnolia bush is goldfinch coloured.
I hope it was a happy memory!
unlikely colours! love it.
Quite possibly Alison! (-;
But wouldn't a dash or dotdotdot thingie after bush help, or is three birds in a bush worth only a single stone's throw? (-;
Also, even with the ambiguity it sounds so darned good, and I am sure a contemporary Japanese poet or two would go for it.
Either which way love the haiku, the magnolia, and those unlikely colours!
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